"Never Underestimate the Power of Human Stupidity"

I am dumb. So dumb. For real.

I read somewhere that the definition of insanity is "repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Yeah. That's my life right now.

Today, I am feeling more cynical, bitter, sarcastic, witty, whatever you'd like to call it, than usual. I keep wondering to myself, How many times do I have to make the same fucking mistake before I learn my lesson?

I feel so incredibly stupid right now. What was I thinking? I jumped into bed with this guy I barely knew. Did I really think that would make me happy? Did I honestly think that would solve all my problems?  I am so retarded. Why would that fix anything? It's only made me feel worse about myself, it's only made me cry, and it's only hurt me even more.

I don't know if I expected it to be like in the movies, where these two people hit it off and immediately start doing the dirty deed and then fall in love with each other. But why would I expect that? It's never been that way in the past, why would it be that way now?

This guy could give a shit less about me. Sure, he's nice, he's funny, he's good looking, but he does not care about me. He just wanted someone to fuck. And I was the dumb bimbo who let him do that.

I really need to start using the brain that I swear God put somewhere in my head.  Because right at the beginning of all this, there was that little voice, my tiny little subconscious that always alerts me when I'm about to do something stupid, but that I never listen to. Yeah, that little voice was doing it's best to scream at me and tell me not to do this, that I'll regret it. That I would only end up hurt in the end just like every other time. But did I listen? No. Of course not. That would have actually been intelligent of me.

I'm done with dating. It's a fucking waste of time and I always end up hurt and disappointed. I don't have time to deal with this anymore.

I'm also done with trying to suppress who I am. I'm a fighter- always have been, always will be. So if that's what I have to do to get through life from day to day then so be it.

I refuse to let this guy make me cry. I'm better than that. I will put my heart back in it's steel box, wrap the chain around it, and hide away the key. I'll go back to being numb, apathetic, and non-feeling. Because apparently I'm just not good enough. I'm never good enough. And that sucks. But sadly this is life, and the show must go on.