I deleted all of my old blog posts. I want to start from scratch, and start over. I have been saying how I've felt unhappy lately for a while now, and I've decided it's time to do something about that. Obviously whatever I've been doing has not been working for me, so it's time to make some changes.
First and foremost, I need to get right with God. Over the past few years, religion has not been important to me. But over the past few weeks it has weighed heavy on my mind and it's been tugging at my heart strings. I have to make my peace with my past, and move on. I don't know if I'll start going to church again, because I don't believe going to church makes you a christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. I need to refocus my thoughts, my emotions, and my heart towards faith and maybe then I'll start moving in the right direction.
Most of my complaints have been about being lonely. So what if I've never had a decent boyfriend? So what if I haven't been on a real date in over a year? So what if I don't have anyone interested? I went to Florida to visit my aunt and uncle last week, and I did a lot of soul searching out there on the water. I realized that this summer has been the best of my life, and it may very well have something to do with the fact that I am single. This is the time in my life for me. This is the time to do what I want to do, and get to know who I really am.
Which brings me to my next thought. I feel like I don't really know who I am anymore. I've changed A LOT over the past couple of years, and it has left me wondering who I truly am and what I stand for. I don't know who I am, and that's ok. I have to find myself before I can find someone. I have to build my relationship with God before I can build a good relationship with anyone else. Like I said in the previous paragraph, this is my time for me. To discover myself before I need to be with anyone else. And I think that God knows my heart, and knows that it would not be healthy for me to be in a relationship right now.
Before, whenever I was in a relationship, that was the only thing that mattered to me. Everything else (school, family, job, etc.) fell to the wayside and I focused everything on the relationship. That is not healthy, and is why my previous relationships failed. So I think God has a plan, and by not answering my prayers for someone to love me, He has showed me that instead of focusing on him, I have to focus on Him first. (See what I did there?) If I had a boyfriend now, with everything else that is going on, I would not be having this "epiphany", and I would not be where I am today. I have a good job that I work hard at, I have good grades in school and work hard there. I am focused, and determined to build a good foundation for the rest of my life, and I have to start with God, not with a boy.
I have the rest of my life to worry about dating. And while I do get lonely, and even though I still want someone to love me, I know that God loves me, my family loves me, and my few really good friends love me. Right now, I don't need anything else.
I am a work in progress, and until I am complete, I cannot complete my other half, whoever that may be.
I don't know if I'm "happy" by the true definition, but I am at least peaceful, and I think renewing my faith and finding myself will definitely get me on the right track to true happiness.
