"I think I Need a Sunrise, I'm Tired of the Sunsets"

It's been a trying past couple of weeks.

My emotions have been alternating between angry, depressed, and apathetic. Something tells me that's not healthy.

Half the time I just feel numb. The other half I just feel sad.

I'm always tired. I have no energy.

I don't understand it. There's nothing majorly wrong with my life.

I just feel worthless, like I can't do anything right.

I'm stressed, and there's always something going on.

There can never just be a moment of calm in my life. Something is always happening.

I am beyond ready to be done with school. I have been ready to move out of my house the minute I moved back in. I want to go somewhere far away and start over.

I met someone. And proceeded to immediately jump into bed with him. Why would I go and do something stupid like that, you might ask? Well, I missed the intimacy first of all. Second, I hadn't been with anyone in so long. I know that probably wasn't the best thing to do. But I did it. And he's not talking to me nearly as much as he did in the beginning. So I managed to screw that up in less than a week. Go me.

I'm extremely tempted to open up to my guy friend I mentioned in my last blog and just tell him how I feel. But I don't think I could handle it right now if he rejected me.

I just want someone to love me. Someone to care about me and want to actually be with me. Why does it always seem like that's too much to ask? It appears to be a simple request, really. But no. No one decent for Ashley. That's just not going to happen.

I am beyond frustrated at this point. I really don't know what else to do.

Why is it that things in my life always, ALWAYS have to be difficult? Since I was little I've had to constantly fight just to even attempt at living a normal life. Why can't things just happen without it having to be a constant battle?

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm too confrontational or too stubborn. I don't know. Whatever it is, I'm sick of it and I want things to get better. But I'm at such a loss. I don't know what else to do. I've tried going to church, I've tried not going to church, I've tried throwing myself into school, I've tried surrounding myself with friends and family, I've tried drinking and I've even tried drugs, I've tried online dating, I've tried not dating at all, I've even tried not trying so hard. NOTHING works. I still feel this empty, deep, numb nothingness that is my life. NOTHING makes me happy anymore.

Sure, I smile, I laugh, I socialize. I carry on as though nothing is wrong. And to an innocent bystander I appear to be your typical 20-something college kid. But on the inside I am an absolute train wreck. I find myself wanting to cry, but I can't. I either can't sleep, or I sleep too much.

Maybe I should try to get help. But that costs money. And that's definitely something I don't have. I don't even know how I'm going to pay my tuition next semester.

I don't know what else to do here. I am at a loss. But I want it to stop. I want to feel happy again. And I don't like the fact that I don't know how to do that.