It has been just shy of three months since my last post. And honestly, not much has changed.
I am living my life on a day-to-day basis, just trying to get through to tomorrow. Some days I feel like I am simply floating through life, others treading the water- working to keep myself afloat, and then there's a few days I feel like I am fighting for my life- struggling to keep my head above the water.
I'm still dealing with the cliched "Who am I" internal battle. I don't really know what to do about that. What can really be done in all actuality? Part of me wants to get away from here, in a Julia Roberts "Eat, Pray, Love" fashion where I just drop everything and embark on a soul-searching journey full of culture, religion, spirituality, and joy. Sadly I know that is completely unrealistic, for a number of reasons. First, I have no money. Second, my family depends on me in such a way that I could not possibly leave them. What kind of person would that make me?
Everyone expects something from me. Different people constantly want something from me, and sometimes I feel like I just can't live up to their expectations. Sometimes I feel like it's unfair for them to demand so much, as if they don't realize I don't already have enough to deal with already. The times where I feel stretched so thin that I'm beginning to tear are occurring far too often it seems. Every now again something small will happen. And when I say something small, I mean small as in nearly insignificant to almost any normal person. But not to me. I suppose these things are a "straw that broke the camels back" type occurrence. They seem to happen more often than not at work, and occasionally at school. But it's always somewhere that I can't stop what I'm doing, and just cry about it. I hate crying in front of other people. I don't know if it's the stigma attached to it, or if I feel like I'm constantly expected to be strong. But I do my best to keep my pity-parties a private affair. However once I am finally all by my lonesome, I can't cry. Not even one little tear. I'm not sure why that is exactly. But it's annoying. I think I would feel so much better if I could just break down and have a good cry. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be that easy. Then again why would it be? Nothing has ever come easy for me.
And my blog post wouldn't be complete until I mention guys. I have to admit that even though I am trying to live my life for me, I am still incredibly lonely. It's been almost a year since my last relationship (if you can even call it that). There is this boy that's in nursing school with me, and I am afraid to say that I am completely smitten with him. He is tall, handsome, smart, nice, funny, classy- just an all around catch and everything a gentleman should be. There's just one problem- I have no self confidence. I can't bring myself to tell him how I feel because 1.) I'm scared I'll ruin our friendship, 2.) I'm pretty sure he just sees me as a friend, 3.) I don't want to make things awkward at school, clinical, lab, etc. and 4.) I'm just plain scared. I've never had to tell a guy I like him before. My friends insist that he has to be into me for a number of reasons (he's brought his parents into where I work, he talks about me when I'm not around, we always sit together in class- to name a few). But I just don't see it. Sigh. Maybe I'll work up the courage to say how I feel by the time graduation rolls around.
All in all, I really don't have any reason to complain right now. I just wish I had more energy and focus to do what I need to do. I always feel so tired, and I can't ever focus on whatever it is I need to get done.
I'm praying, and I'm living my life to the best of my abilities (regardless of how limited they may be.) I think that's about all I really can do right now.
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