I keep trying to tell myself to take life one day at a time. I don't know why that's such a hard concept for me. "The past is history, the future is a mystery. But right now is a gift, that is why it is called the present." That line from Kung Fu Panda has stuck with me since I saw it back in 2008. But for me, taking things one day at a time is a difficult thing to do. I'm constantly worried about the future, not so much the past because nothing can be undone- worrying about that won't change anything. I'm always worried about tomorrow, when I should just be enjoying today. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, and maybe it's the not knowing that stresses me out. But I can't possibly know what will happen tomorrow, so why worry about it? I'm trying not to, and I guess that's all I can do. I just have to wait and see what will happen.
I was talking to one of my friends about everything I mentioned in my last post. And he said, "Honestly, I have to ask you something. Why do you feel like you constantly have to fight everything?" And I couldn't answer. I don't know why I constantly feel like I have to struggle with life. Why can't I just put down my fists for a second and enjoy the ride? Why must I be so confrontational with every obstacle I face? Why do I have to fight it, instead of just letting life happen? I don't know if it's a control issue, or if it has to do with the way I was raised, or if that's the only way I know how to deal with life, or if that's how I feel like I am being strong. But I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly in battle with myself and my surroundings. I want to be peaceful. I want to just take life as it comes, instead of fighting it every step of the way.
Maybe my emotions are just getting the best of me. I wish I could compartmentalize and just lock them all away somewhere so that I don't have to feel all of this inexplicable fear and anger and sadness. I would rather feel numb than feel so empty all the time.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't just be happy with my life. I wonder what is so wrong with me that nobody wants to love me. I wonder what is so wrong with me that I don't have any energy, and that if I didn't have so many obligations I would probably stay in bed all of the time. I try to tell myself that I am strong, and beautiful, and smart. But it is getting harder and harder to believe that when no one wants me. I don't want to depend on some boy to make me happy. That's not what I'm saying here. I just want to be loved for once. I don't want to be used, I don't want to be taken for granted, I don't want to be pushed around or constantly told that I'm not good enough. I want a good, healthy, amazing, loving relationship. Why is that so much to ask for?
I know I need to be able to make myself happy before I can be in a good relationship. Why is that so hard to do? I'm trying though. I'm trying not to fight so much. I'm trying to be peaceful. And I am trying to just take things one day at a time. I'm making an effort. But I've tried so hard for so long. Nothing has worked before. I don't know what else I can do though.
I suppose I just need to give myself time to change. I know it doesn't happen over night. I have amazing friends and wonderful family. And words cannot express how incredibly thankful I am for them. I honestly don't know where I'd be right now without them.
So, I will keep on existing. And I will keep on trying to live my life to the best of my ability. For some reason that is part of my struggle, but I won't give up.
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