I've had the urge to create a new post several times over the past few months. But for one reason or another, I have managed to avoid doing so. I'm not entirely sure why. It may have to do with time restrictions, my crazy hectic schedule that has become my life, or my lack of willingness to confront the torrential downpour of emotions I've experienced over the past few months.
It's been almost a year since my last post. And I'm sad to report that honestly, not much has changed. I had my heart broken over the summer. No surprise there. I let someone in for once, and it almost destroyed me. So I'm back to the "locking my heart up and throwing away the key" routine. I've been kind of dating this guy since July. But I'm reluctant to let him in. I'm afraid to go through that pain again.
I've known this guy for a couple of years. I've always thought he was cute, and Ive always kind of wanted him to ask me out. And he finally did. I'm afraid he's only in it for the sex though. I'm scared that I'm going to get too emotionally involved, and I'm going to end up hurt again. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Over the past couple months, I feel like the nature of the relationship has changed. He used to text me all the time, just to talk about whatever. Now, I'll go a couple of days without hearing from him. He only comes over at night (granted that's our only free time to give each other though), we don't really go out anymore, and he doesn't seem to put much effort into our conversation. I just feel like he's not nearly as into me as he was when we first started hanging out. I don't know. I just don't want to end up hurt again, but my gut is telling me that's what's going to happen.
I've never been one to "roll with the punches" and just wait and see what happens. I always worry about everything, even things I have no control over. Which is silly, I know. I just can't let go and let life happen. If I could it would probably make things much easier to handle. But I've always been a fighter. I always try too hard, and I always end up disappointed.
My feelings of extreme inadequacy have managed to resurface. I'm about to graduate from nursing school in two months (assuming I can pass my exit exams), and I do NOT feel even remotely ready. I've been doing my preceptorship in the CVICU, and I fumble with even the littlest, simplest things. I know it's a self confidence issue, but that's always been something I lack. I don't know how to "fake it till I make it." I know my preceptor thinks I'm an idiot, and he pretty much told me I'm not cut out for ICU.
I've been feeling more socially awkward than ever lately too. And the fact that I've been dating the aforementioned guy for around 4 months now, and he won't even consider making this "thing" a relationship doesn't help. He freaked out when I brought it up. So I just feel incredibly bad about myself. I feel like I'm never good enough. I haven't been good enough to be somebody's girlfriend for the past 2 years (I know better than to define myself by a boy, but still it sucks), I'm not good enough to be a nurse.
On top of all that, I feel like I've lost a lot of friends. Almost all of my very best friends have moved away. I know that doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore, but the distance makes things difficult. I know if I really needed them, they would do anything for me. But I went from hanging out with people all the time and doing fun things constantly, to sitting at home being sad with my roommate. (I love my roommate, don't get me wrong. But I miss always having something to do.)
I'm still struggling with the stupid "Who Am I" battle. But I guess what 20-something trying to make something of themselves in this world isn't?
I'm tired all the time. I never have any energy or motivation to do anything. I hate my body, but due to the lack of energy, I can't seem to get myself to do anything about it. I either can't sleep, or I sleep way too much.
To be honest, I've had thoughts of suicide over the past few months. Don't panic- I'm not going to kill myself. I realize that would be a very selfish thing to do, and I would hurt a lot of people. Plus, I don't think I could ever actually bring myself to go through with it. However, I have actively wished for my life to end. I feel like things would be easier that way. What's the point of all this? Why do I have to struggle so much, work so hard, if it's all just going to end some day anyway? It all means nothing. Nothing will matter after I'm gone, so why does it matter now? Why not just end things now and save myself the hardship, the heartache, and the struggle that day to day life has become? I don't get it. I'm going to die some day. Everyone is. So why does it matter if it's today, tomorrow, 3 weeks, or 20 years from now?
I've been trying to have faith. But that's an incredibly hard thing for me to do and I just can't do it anymore. Why do I have to go through all of this and work so hard if I'm just going to die some day anyway?
Sigh. I keep hoping things will get better. But they never do. And I always end up hurt or disappointed. That's why my attitude is so bitter.
I suppose I shall carry on. That's about all I can do right now anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment