"I Took a Step Hoping You Might Follow"

I've had the urge to create a new post several times over the past few months. But for one reason or another, I have managed to avoid doing so. I'm not entirely sure why. It may have to do with time restrictions, my crazy hectic schedule that has become my life, or my lack of willingness to confront the torrential downpour of emotions I've experienced over the past few months.

It's been almost a year since my last post. And I'm sad to report that honestly, not much has changed. I had my heart broken over the summer. No surprise there. I let someone in for once, and it almost destroyed me. So I'm back to the "locking my heart up and throwing away the key" routine. I've been kind of dating this guy since July. But I'm reluctant to let him in. I'm afraid to go through that pain again.

I've known this guy for a couple of years. I've always thought he was cute, and Ive always kind of wanted him to ask me out. And he finally did. I'm afraid he's only in it for the sex though. I'm scared that I'm going to get too emotionally involved, and I'm going to end up hurt again. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Over the past couple months, I feel like the nature of the relationship has changed. He used to text me all the time, just to talk about whatever. Now, I'll go a couple of days without hearing from him. He only comes over at night (granted that's our only free time to give each other though), we don't really go out anymore, and he doesn't seem to put much effort into our conversation. I just feel like he's not nearly as into me as he was when we first started hanging out. I don't know. I just don't want to end up hurt again, but my gut is telling me that's what's going to happen.

I've never been one to "roll with the punches" and just wait and see what happens. I always worry about everything, even things I have no control over. Which is silly, I know. I just can't let go and let life happen. If I could it would probably make things much easier to handle. But I've always been a fighter. I always try too hard, and I always end up disappointed.

My feelings of extreme inadequacy have managed to resurface. I'm about to graduate from nursing school in two months (assuming I can pass my exit exams), and I do NOT feel even remotely ready. I've been doing my preceptorship in the CVICU, and I fumble with even the littlest, simplest things. I know it's a self confidence issue, but that's always been something I lack. I don't know how to "fake it till I make it." I know my preceptor thinks I'm an idiot, and he pretty much told me I'm not cut out for ICU.

I've been feeling more socially awkward than ever lately too. And the fact that I've been dating the aforementioned guy for around 4 months now, and he won't even consider making this "thing" a relationship doesn't help. He freaked out when I brought it up. So I just feel incredibly bad about myself. I feel like I'm never good enough. I haven't been good enough to be somebody's girlfriend for the past 2 years (I know better than to define myself by a boy, but still it sucks), I'm not good enough to be a nurse.

On top of all that, I feel like I've lost a lot of friends. Almost all of my very best friends have moved away. I know that doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore, but the distance makes things difficult. I know if I really needed them, they would do anything for me. But I went from hanging out with people all the time and doing fun things constantly, to sitting at home being sad with my roommate. (I love my roommate, don't get me wrong. But I miss always having something to do.)

I'm still struggling with the stupid "Who Am I" battle. But I guess what 20-something trying to make something of themselves in this world isn't?

I'm tired all the time. I never have any energy or motivation to do anything. I hate my body, but due to the lack of energy, I can't seem to get myself to do anything about it. I either can't sleep, or I sleep way too much.

To be honest, I've had thoughts of suicide over the past few months. Don't panic- I'm not going to kill myself. I realize that would be a very selfish thing to do, and I would hurt a lot of people. Plus, I don't think I could ever actually bring myself to go through with it. However, I have actively wished for my life to end. I feel like things would be easier that way. What's the point of all this? Why do I have to struggle so much, work so hard, if it's all just going to end some day anyway? It all means nothing. Nothing will matter after I'm gone, so why does it matter now? Why not just end things now and save myself the hardship, the heartache, and the struggle that day to day life has become? I don't get it. I'm going to die some day. Everyone is. So why does it matter if it's today, tomorrow, 3 weeks, or 20 years from now?

I've been trying to have faith. But that's an incredibly hard thing for me to do and I just can't do it anymore. Why do I have to go through all of this and work so hard if I'm just going to die some day anyway?

Sigh. I keep hoping things will get better. But they never do. And I always end up hurt or disappointed. That's why my attitude is so bitter.

I suppose I shall carry on. That's about all I can do right now anyway.

"Never Underestimate the Power of Human Stupidity"

I am dumb. So dumb. For real.

I read somewhere that the definition of insanity is "repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Yeah. That's my life right now.

Today, I am feeling more cynical, bitter, sarcastic, witty, whatever you'd like to call it, than usual. I keep wondering to myself, How many times do I have to make the same fucking mistake before I learn my lesson?

I feel so incredibly stupid right now. What was I thinking? I jumped into bed with this guy I barely knew. Did I really think that would make me happy? Did I honestly think that would solve all my problems?  I am so retarded. Why would that fix anything? It's only made me feel worse about myself, it's only made me cry, and it's only hurt me even more.

I don't know if I expected it to be like in the movies, where these two people hit it off and immediately start doing the dirty deed and then fall in love with each other. But why would I expect that? It's never been that way in the past, why would it be that way now?

This guy could give a shit less about me. Sure, he's nice, he's funny, he's good looking, but he does not care about me. He just wanted someone to fuck. And I was the dumb bimbo who let him do that.

I really need to start using the brain that I swear God put somewhere in my head.  Because right at the beginning of all this, there was that little voice, my tiny little subconscious that always alerts me when I'm about to do something stupid, but that I never listen to. Yeah, that little voice was doing it's best to scream at me and tell me not to do this, that I'll regret it. That I would only end up hurt in the end just like every other time. But did I listen? No. Of course not. That would have actually been intelligent of me.

I'm done with dating. It's a fucking waste of time and I always end up hurt and disappointed. I don't have time to deal with this anymore.

I'm also done with trying to suppress who I am. I'm a fighter- always have been, always will be. So if that's what I have to do to get through life from day to day then so be it.

I refuse to let this guy make me cry. I'm better than that. I will put my heart back in it's steel box, wrap the chain around it, and hide away the key. I'll go back to being numb, apathetic, and non-feeling. Because apparently I'm just not good enough. I'm never good enough. And that sucks. But sadly this is life, and the show must go on.

"Nothing Is Ever Enough. But We Live, And We Try"

I keep trying to tell myself to take life one day at a time. I don't know why that's such a hard concept for me. "The past is history, the future is a mystery. But right now is a gift, that is why it is called the present." That line from Kung Fu Panda has stuck with me since I saw it back in 2008. But for me, taking things one day at a time is a difficult thing to do. I'm constantly worried about the future, not so much the past because nothing can be undone- worrying about that won't change anything. I'm always worried about tomorrow, when I should just be enjoying today. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, and maybe it's the not knowing that stresses me out. But I can't possibly know what will happen tomorrow, so why worry about it? I'm trying not to, and I guess that's all I can do. I just have to wait and see what will happen.

I was talking to one of my friends about everything I mentioned in my last post. And he said, "Honestly, I have to ask you something. Why do you feel like you constantly have to fight everything?" And I couldn't answer. I don't know why I constantly feel like I have to struggle with life. Why can't I just put down my fists for a second and enjoy the ride? Why must I be so confrontational with every obstacle I face? Why do I have to fight it, instead of just letting life happen? I don't know if it's a control issue, or if it has to do with the way I was raised, or if that's the only way I know how to deal with life, or if that's how I feel like I am being strong. But I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly in battle with myself and my surroundings. I want to be peaceful. I want to just take life as it comes, instead of fighting it every step of the way.

Maybe my emotions are just getting the best of me. I wish I could compartmentalize and just lock them all away somewhere so that I don't have to feel all of this inexplicable fear and anger and sadness. I would rather feel numb than feel so empty all the time.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't just be happy with my life. I wonder what is so wrong with me that nobody wants to love me. I wonder what is so wrong with me that I don't have any energy, and that if I didn't have so many obligations I would probably stay in bed all of the time. I try to tell myself that I am strong, and beautiful, and smart. But it is getting harder and harder to believe that when no one wants me. I don't want to depend on some boy to make me happy. That's not what I'm saying here. I just want to be loved for once. I don't want to be used, I don't want to be taken for granted, I don't want to be pushed around or constantly told that I'm not good enough. I want a good, healthy, amazing, loving relationship. Why is that so much to ask for?

I know I need to be able to make myself happy before I can be in a good relationship. Why is that so hard to do? I'm trying though. I'm trying not to fight so much. I'm trying to be peaceful. And I am trying to just take things one day at a time. I'm making an effort. But I've tried so hard for so long. Nothing has worked before. I don't know what else I can do though.

I suppose I just need to give myself time to change. I know it doesn't happen over night. I have amazing friends and wonderful family. And words cannot express how incredibly thankful I am for them. I honestly don't know where I'd be right now without them.

So, I will keep on existing. And I will keep on trying to live my life to the best of my ability. For some reason that is part of my struggle, but I won't give up.

"I think I Need a Sunrise, I'm Tired of the Sunsets"

It's been a trying past couple of weeks.

My emotions have been alternating between angry, depressed, and apathetic. Something tells me that's not healthy.

Half the time I just feel numb. The other half I just feel sad.

I'm always tired. I have no energy.

I don't understand it. There's nothing majorly wrong with my life.

I just feel worthless, like I can't do anything right.

I'm stressed, and there's always something going on.

There can never just be a moment of calm in my life. Something is always happening.

I am beyond ready to be done with school. I have been ready to move out of my house the minute I moved back in. I want to go somewhere far away and start over.

I met someone. And proceeded to immediately jump into bed with him. Why would I go and do something stupid like that, you might ask? Well, I missed the intimacy first of all. Second, I hadn't been with anyone in so long. I know that probably wasn't the best thing to do. But I did it. And he's not talking to me nearly as much as he did in the beginning. So I managed to screw that up in less than a week. Go me.

I'm extremely tempted to open up to my guy friend I mentioned in my last blog and just tell him how I feel. But I don't think I could handle it right now if he rejected me.

I just want someone to love me. Someone to care about me and want to actually be with me. Why does it always seem like that's too much to ask? It appears to be a simple request, really. But no. No one decent for Ashley. That's just not going to happen.

I am beyond frustrated at this point. I really don't know what else to do.

Why is it that things in my life always, ALWAYS have to be difficult? Since I was little I've had to constantly fight just to even attempt at living a normal life. Why can't things just happen without it having to be a constant battle?

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm too confrontational or too stubborn. I don't know. Whatever it is, I'm sick of it and I want things to get better. But I'm at such a loss. I don't know what else to do. I've tried going to church, I've tried not going to church, I've tried throwing myself into school, I've tried surrounding myself with friends and family, I've tried drinking and I've even tried drugs, I've tried online dating, I've tried not dating at all, I've even tried not trying so hard. NOTHING works. I still feel this empty, deep, numb nothingness that is my life. NOTHING makes me happy anymore.

Sure, I smile, I laugh, I socialize. I carry on as though nothing is wrong. And to an innocent bystander I appear to be your typical 20-something college kid. But on the inside I am an absolute train wreck. I find myself wanting to cry, but I can't. I either can't sleep, or I sleep too much.

Maybe I should try to get help. But that costs money. And that's definitely something I don't have. I don't even know how I'm going to pay my tuition next semester.

I don't know what else to do here. I am at a loss. But I want it to stop. I want to feel happy again. And I don't like the fact that I don't know how to do that.

"I've Been Trying to Do it Right, I've Been Living a Lonely Life... I Don't Know Where I Belong, I Don't Know Where I Went Wrong"

It has been just shy of three months since my last post. And honestly, not much has changed.

I am living my life on a day-to-day basis, just trying to get through to tomorrow. Some days I feel like I am simply floating through life, others treading the water- working to keep myself afloat, and  then there's a few days I feel like I am fighting for my life- struggling to keep my head above the water.

I'm still dealing with the cliched "Who am I" internal battle. I don't really know what to do about that. What can really be done in all actuality? Part of me wants to get away from here, in a Julia Roberts "Eat, Pray, Love" fashion where I just drop everything and embark on a soul-searching journey full of culture, religion, spirituality, and joy. Sadly I know that is completely unrealistic, for a number of reasons. First, I have no money. Second, my family depends on me in such a way that I could not possibly leave them. What kind of person would that make me?

Everyone expects something from me. Different people constantly want something from me, and sometimes I feel like I just can't live up to their expectations. Sometimes I feel like it's unfair for them to demand so much, as if they don't realize I don't already have enough to deal with already. The times where I feel stretched so thin that I'm beginning to tear are occurring far too often it seems. Every now again something small will happen. And when I say something small, I mean small as in nearly insignificant to almost any normal person. But not to me. I suppose these things are a "straw that broke the camels back" type occurrence. They seem to happen more often than not at work, and occasionally at school. But it's always somewhere that I can't stop what I'm doing, and just cry about it. I hate crying in front of other people. I don't know if it's the stigma attached to it, or if I feel like I'm constantly expected to be strong. But I do my best to keep my pity-parties a private affair. However once I am finally all by my lonesome, I can't cry. Not even one little tear. I'm not sure why that is exactly. But it's annoying. I think I would feel so much better if I could just break down and have a good cry. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be that easy. Then again why would it be? Nothing has ever come easy for me.

And my blog post wouldn't be complete until I mention guys. I have to admit that even though I am trying to live my life for me, I am still incredibly lonely. It's been almost a year since my last relationship (if you can even call it that). There is this boy that's in nursing school with me, and I am afraid to say that I am completely smitten with him. He is tall, handsome, smart, nice, funny, classy- just an all around catch and everything a gentleman should be. There's just one problem- I have no self confidence. I can't bring myself to tell him how I feel because 1.) I'm scared I'll ruin our friendship, 2.) I'm pretty sure he just sees me as a friend, 3.) I don't want to make things awkward at school, clinical, lab, etc. and 4.) I'm just plain scared. I've never had to tell a guy I like him before. My friends insist that he has to be into me for a number of reasons (he's brought his parents into where I work, he talks about me when I'm not around, we always sit together in class- to name a few). But I just don't see it. Sigh. Maybe I'll work up the courage to say how I feel by the time graduation rolls around.

All in all, I really don't have any reason to complain right now. I just wish I had more energy and focus to do what I need to do. I always feel so tired, and I can't ever focus on whatever it is I need to get done.

I'm praying, and I'm living my life to the best of my abilities (regardless of how limited they may be.) I think that's about all I really can do right now.

"By changing nothing, nothing changes"

I deleted all of my old blog posts. I want to start from scratch, and start over. I have been saying how I've felt unhappy lately for a while now, and I've decided it's time to do something about that. Obviously whatever I've been doing has not been working for me, so it's time to make some changes.

First and foremost, I need to get right with God. Over the past few years, religion has not been important to me. But over the past few weeks it has weighed heavy on my mind and it's been tugging at my heart strings. I have to make my peace with my past, and move on. I don't know if I'll start going to church again, because I don't believe going to church makes you a christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. I need to refocus my thoughts, my emotions, and my heart towards faith and maybe then I'll start moving in the right direction.

Most of my complaints have been about being lonely. So what if I've never had a decent boyfriend? So what if I haven't been on a real date in over a year? So what if I don't have anyone interested? I went to Florida to visit my aunt and uncle last week, and I did a lot of soul searching out there on the water. I realized that this summer has been the best of my life, and it may very well have something to do with the fact that I am single. This is the time in my life for me. This is the time to do what I want to do, and get to know who I really am.

Which brings me to my next thought. I feel like I don't really know who I am anymore. I've changed A LOT over the past couple of years, and it has left me wondering who I truly am and what I stand for. I don't know who I am, and that's ok. I have to find myself before I can find someone. I have to build my relationship with God before I can build a good relationship with anyone else. Like I said in the previous paragraph, this is my time for me. To discover myself before I need to be with anyone else. And I think that God knows my heart, and knows that it would not be healthy for me to be in a relationship right now.

Before, whenever I was in a relationship, that was the only thing that mattered to me. Everything else (school, family, job, etc.) fell to the wayside and I focused everything on the relationship. That is not healthy, and is why my previous relationships failed. So I think God has a plan, and by not answering my prayers for someone to love me, He has showed me that instead of focusing on him, I have to focus on Him first. (See what I did there?) If I had a boyfriend now, with everything else that is going on, I would not be having this "epiphany", and I would not be where I am today. I have a good job that I work hard at, I have good grades in school and work hard there. I am focused, and determined to build a good foundation for the rest of my life, and I have to start with God, not with a boy.

I have the rest of my life to worry about dating. And while I do get lonely, and even though I still want someone to love me, I know that God loves me, my family loves me, and my few really good friends love me. Right now, I don't need anything else.

I am a work in progress, and until I am complete, I cannot complete my other half, whoever that may be.

I don't know if I'm "happy" by the true definition, but I am at least peaceful, and I think renewing my faith and finding myself will definitely get me on the right track to true happiness.